Are You Too Picky?
Have you ever wondered if you’re too picky?
Many women ask themselves this when their frustration with men and dating is at an all time high. When it feels impossible to find a good man, it’s natural to wonder if the problem isn’t with the quality of men you meet but rather the bar that you set for them. It’s a question that is certainly worth asking, because in some cases, the problem is exactly that - you’re too picky! Now, of course, the problem could be something else entirely - the bachelors you’re meeting, for example - or it could be a more nuanced combination of issues that contribute to your frustration in dating. But since you are the common denominator in your dating life, if no one is ever good enough for you, the problem may be what criteria you’re using to assess dates, and how you are approaching dating in general.
Are you the problem?
It’s worth asking yourself what you’re contributing to the problem - are you too picky? That can be a broad question, so it can help to ask more specific questions to determine if you may be overly picky when it comes to dating. Here are some helpful examples of questions you can ask yourself:
Do your friends and family frequently tell you that you are too picky or indecisive? Do they say this about your dating life, or do they say this about your decision-making in general? (It can be hard to see ourselves objectively, and the people who are closest to you are usually the ones with the clearest view of your strengths as well as your weaknesses. If your loved ones tell you that you are very picky, they’re probably right! Even if you keep pretty private about your dating life, if you get frequent feedback about being picky or indecisive in general, that is a trait that may be permeating into your dating life.
Do you find yourself examining a date critically and looking for something that is wrong with your date from the start? Remember, criticism is not the same as discernment - discernment is good! But discernment is learning about your dates and filtering that information through your understanding of yourself and your deal-breakers and deal-makers. If you are coming to dating with a critical eye and looking for things that are wrong with your dates, you’ll always be able to find - or spin - something negative that can be used as a reason to reject every guy you meet.
Do you have opportunities to meet and date different types of men, and do you find yourself turning down all of them? It’s one thing if you’re only meeting a certain type of men who all share the same deal-breakers or some prominent traits that make them poorly matched for you. However, if you’re meeting many different types of men and still not finding anyone that meets what you’re looking for in a relationship, the issue may be that your expectations are unrealistic or you’ve placed too much importance on trivial things.
Do you watch a lot of romantic movies and/or read a lot of romance novels? These can be a fun form of entertainment, but they can also easily lure women into escapism and living in an “alternate reality” in the world of romance. Most romantic movies and romance novels portray incredibly unrealistic standards for men and relationships, and this can be skewing your perspective of what is normal and to be expected.
You should have high standards…but not every preference deserves to be a standard.
Being overly picky in dating is a surefire way to ruin relationships and keep yourself from finding the man that’s right for you. However, it is important to be selective. The key is to be selective about the important things. Knowing who you are and what you want and need allows you to have standards (deal-breakers and deal-makers) and be selective about who you date. Knowing what you want from a relationship and having these standards helps you to discern who is compatible with you on a core level and shares the foundational values that are most important in a relationship. Being selective is also important because it means that you have taste, you know what you like and what you don’t like. If you didn’t have taste and were not selective, you would date just about anybody. That would be unhealthy, not to mention unattractive to men. (After all, have you ever encountered that guy who will date any girl that gives him attention? It’s not an attractive trait in men, either!)
When you are thinking of a friend, it can be easy to determine when they are holding to a standard and when they are being overly picky. But it can be a lot harder to make that distinction when you’re assessing yourself. One helpful way to think about it is to think about standards as goalposts for dating. When you have standards for dating based on your core values and what you want out of a relationship, you’ve set the goalposts and know where they are. You know what you need from a partner, as well as what you will not accept in a partner. The goalposts don’t move - they’re nonnegotiable - and if someone is outside the goalposts, he’s not the man for you. However, the space between the goalposts is all negotiable. That doesn’t mean that anything goes, but it does mean that all those negotiable factors are a matter of taste/preferences.
When you have standards, you know what relationship factors are non-negotiable to you, and you exercise your own preferences in being selective about factors that are negotiable. A man you’re dating might turn out not to be the right match for you even though he’s not shown any dealbreakers. A woman with standards knows that there can be men who will fall “within the goalposts” (i.e. no dealbreakers) but still not be the right man for her - that’s a matter of taste, not a reflection of the character or quality of the men. Taste is about knowing yourself and what you like, what turns you on and what turns you off, what you enjoy and what you can tolerate, what you find mildly annoying and what you find repulsive. Having taste means you have preferences, and you know that those preferences can change over time and in the right circumstances/with the right person. (What is an odd trait in an acquaintance can become an endearing quirk in a beloved husband.)
Pickiness means you move the goalposts to be more and more narrow based on your preferences about negotiable factors. When you’re being too picky, it means that you may know what your dealbreakers and dealmakers are, but you also treat most - if not all - of your preferences as dealbreakers/dealmakers. Instead of seeing reasonable things as negotiable, you see them as unwavering standards that absolutely must be met in order for you to consider a relationship. Whereas healthy dating involves some flexibility and adaptability, women who are overly picky in dating typically have very rigid ways of thinking, and any man who doesn’t meet your exact preferences is deemed to be “outside the goalposts.”
So how do you find a balance and hold to high standards without being overly picky?
There are lots of things you can do to improve the way you approach dating. So if you are, or have been, a picky dater, don’t worry - all is not lost! With some time and practice, you can develop an approach to dating that is thoughtful and selective rather than closed-off and picky. This all starts with practicing flexibility. Challenge yourself to drop the “black & white” or “either/or” ways of thinking about dating, and consider what is truly nonnegotiable and what is more a matter of preference. Often women who are overly picky in dating get hung up on traits like physical characteristics (height, build, fashion sense, hairstyle/baldness, etc.), career (wanting to date a man who is in a specific field or has a specific job, such as physician, attorney, firefighter, etc.), or shares specific interests (expecting your partner to love spin classes, Crossfit, French bulldogs, street tacos, folk music, ethically-sourced espresso, etc. as much as you do).
Sure, attraction and shared interests are important, but both of those elements of a relationship can be very broad. Many different physical characteristics and interpersonal traits contribute to attraction, and attraction tends to grow over time with relational intimacy. Shared interests also tend to converge and deepen throughout the course of a relationship, as you engage in shared interests and as each of you open up to the other’s niche interests and they gradually become shared. So sure, you might be 5’4 and feel attracted to men who are much taller than you, and you might love going to spin class and Orange Theory. Would it really matter in the long run if the man you’re with is 5’8” and does jiujitsu and lifts weights? You’re both into fitness and committed to a healthy lifestyle, and even though he’s not six feet tall, he’s still significantly taller than you.
A great way to counter this is by talking with or even going on a few dates with men who meet your standards for the important things but may have some other traits (in the negotiable category) that are different than what you are used to or different from what you have idealized. It probably won’t feel very natural at first, but go into it keeping an open mind on these types of negotiable things. After all, changing behavior is the most effective way to change emotion, so it’s important to act the way you want to feel. (You want to feel more open and less rigid? Start acting like it, and eventually it will feel natural.) You might surprise yourself with what you find that you don’t mind - or even enjoy! - when you give it a chance. You’ll also learn about yourself - some negotiables may become deal-breakers, and you might discover new deal-makers too. As you grow and learn more about what is important to you and what you need out of a relationship, you might find that you “goalposts” change and the things that were once non-negotiable no longer seem so important. On the other hand, you may find that things you once dismissed as trivial are actually deeply important to you, and those may become well-reasoned non-negotiables in your future relationships.
You can also apply this strategy in other areas and practice flexibility in other domains of life where you find yourself being overly rigid. Maybe it means ordering a different type of coffee instead of your usual iced latte, or eating lunch with different coworkers on your break, or trying a yoga class instead of your usual spin class. Adaptability is a skill, and like muscle memory, it improves with practice. So practice flexibility and be open to new things, within reason - in life, as in dating, there are negotiables where you can (and sometimes should) flex and there are non-negotiables where you need to stand your ground. The more you challenge yourself and practice being open, the more your mind will adapt and you’ll be able to be more open in dating.
It’s also worth it to work on being confident. Pickiness can sometimes be an outflow of our own insecurities. When you are confident and self-assured, you are more likely to hold fast to your standards (on the important stuff/non-negotiables) and less likely to be overly picky (on everything else that’s negotiable). Sometimes people who are insecure or have significant dating anxiety can self-sabotage - often unknowingly - by being overly picky. In these instances, they self-sabotage by setting standards that are so unreasonably high that no one can realistically meet those standards. By setting standards that no man can possibly meet, a woman will always have a reason that this man or that man isn’t the right one for her, and she can reject the date/relationship before it begins. While this self-sabotage certainly doesn’t lead her to happiness or rewarding relationships - let alone a joyful, lasting marriage - it does allow her to avoid the possibility of a more serious relationship that would require vulnerability and risk rejection.
At the end of the day, you are looking for a good man who is a good match for you. It can be easy to start to envision a “good match” as meaning someone who meets every standard and preference you have. Many times, women have the frustrating experience of meeting men who seem to be potentially good matches, only to realize soon into the dating relationship that there were major deal-breakers beneath the surface. It is easy to take these experiences to mean that you need to be even more selective and raise the bar further. What most women in this situation actually need is to be more firm in the standards they already have and treat non-negotiables like non-negotiables. This often involves being more discerning in dating. Being more picky about peripheral issues and demanding perfection will only have you spinning your wheels.
Remember that you are looking for the right man for you, not a perfect man.
A man does not have to be perfect to be the right match for you. Of course, you’re not going to be compatible with just any guy. It’s important to have standards and know what your deal-breakers and deal-makers are in order to be able to set your goalposts” and discern who meets those non-negotiable standards.. While it is important to know your own taste and what you like and dislike when it comes to everything “between the goalposts,” it’s also important to be able to know what is truly a minor issue at the end of the day and where you can be more open and flexible. For example, religion may be a very important non-negotiable factor for you, but a potential partner’s specific height should not be. (Does it really matter if he’s 5’10” or 6’2”? Will that make him a better boyfriend or potential husband/father of your children? Spoiler - no, it will not. Height is a very negotiable issue.) Keep in mind that no one is perfect, including you. While high standards for a partner is healthy when it comes to the important qualities (core values, desire for marriage/family, etc.), it’s both unhelpful and unfair to expect perfection of a man - and it would be equally unhelpful and unfair if he were to expect perfection of you!
If you’ve been unnecessarily picky in your dating life so far, I would encourage you to be kind to yourself. We’ve all been too picky, or picky about the wrong things, at some point. What is important is that we learn to be picky about the right things - the important things - and exercise thoughtfulness about all the things that are a matter of preference. So stick to your guns when it comes to the important stuff, and practice being flexible on the negotiable things. A happy relationship is not a relationship with the perfect person. A happy relationship is one in which the couple is united in the things that are most important to them, and able to be flexible on the little things that ultimately aren’t important. It’s about being very well-suited together, sharing a strong foundation of core values, and having grace for one another.
