Where Have All The Good Men Gone?
There are good men out there – you’re just not meeting them.
“Where have all the good men gone?”
Most women have this thought cross their mind at some point in their dating life. It’s understandable - you’re not meeting men, so you wonder where they’ve gone or if they even exist anymore. Some people will tell you that there are no good men out there anymore, and suggest that if you want a relationship, you’ll need to lower your standards. While it’s certainly true that some women need to adjust expectations in dating, it’s because those expectations are flawed to begin with - not because there are no good men out there who can meet (and even exceed) high standards. Admittedly, there are many factors in the modern dating landscape that make it difficult to meet men of high caliber, but those influences don’t have to be the deciding factor in whether or not you meet a good man who is a good match for you.
What makes a good man?
First, let’s agree on what it means when we say a man is a “good man.”
A good man is not a perfect man. If you are looking for perfection, you will be perpetually disappointed. And when it comes to a good match, that is very much dependent on the specific man and woman. Every woman will have her own particulars - humor, quirks, lifestyle, and all other manner of things that may be a good thing or a bad thing in a potential partner, depending on which woman you ask. But all the qualities of a good man can be embodied by men with wildly different personalities, preferences, careers, quirks, and lifestyles. And that variety is wonderful, because at their core, good men - no matter how different they are - are similar in the ways that matter most.
A good man is someone who embraces his role as a man, has strong character, and lives honorably. It doesn’t mean he’s perfect, it doesn’t mean he’s manly in the stereotypical “macho man” way, and it doesn’t mean he’s a superhero nor a saint. It does mean he keeps his word, he works hard, he treats people well, has compassion for those who are weak or vulnerable, owns up to his mistakes, fulfills his responsibilities to his family and community, he lives consistently with his faith and values, and acts with integrity.
There are good men out there. I know them. I’m sure you know them. Your brother, your dad, your friends’ husbands or boyfriends – surely some of them are good men – honest men, faithful men, strong men, smart men, hard-working men, courageous men, dependable men, men with integrity and strength of mind and body and spirit. The good men you know likely embody many of characteristics that you’d hope to find in your own partner. You may not personally know any good eligible men, but you cannot tell me that there are no good men.
Why are good men hard to find?
Good men are different from the average man, and so by nature they’re less common. Good men also tend to be humble and more quiet about their strengths, but don’t mistake that for that to mean they don’t exist or that they aren’t equally interested in finding a good woman with whom to settle down and build a life together.
Today’s society makes it much more difficult in some ways for men to be good men. Traits that we think of when considering a good man are disincentivized and even punished. A man who considers it his responsibility to take the lead in his relationship or in his family is not uncommonly considered authoritarian or misogynistic. A man who wants to be the financial provider for his family would be mischaracterized by many as a chauvinist. A man who sees it as his duty to protect his loved ones is labeled “aggressive,” a man who intervenes when he can to help those who are more vulnerable is derided as “white knighting,” and a man who dares to hold a door open for a woman is “patronizing.”
Our modern society has a nasty habit of deterring men from being manly, taking a lead role in a relationship, and demonstrating characteristics that women traditionally want in men. The current wave of the feminist movement is more “anti-men” than it is “pro-women.” (Exhibit A: The now-common feminist catchphrase, “Men are trash.”) Modern proponents of feminism are not promoting women’s suffrage and equal rights between the sexes; rather, today’s feminism elevates women above men and devalues men’s role in society, disincentivizing men from taking seriously their roles in their relationships and families and communities, and to at times even pressuring men to take on more traditionally female characteristics in order to maintain their place in society. In its extreme forms, feminism can repel good men, which is why you may have found that “the good ones” are not as readily apparent as you would hope.
How can I meet a good man?
Now that we’ve established what makes a “good man” a good man, and understand that good men are out there, even if you’re not meeting any eligible ones…how are you supposed to meet good men?
Well, when a woman wants to meet a good man, it can be helpful to think about arctic winter. (And yes, this is an analogy I have used with women I’ve worked with.) In an arctic winter, such as in Norway, there is a long period of months where the sun doesn’t rise, and if someone didn’t know better, it would be easy to assume that the sun had ceased to exist. But we know better. Even in the darkest months of winter, the sun exists, and although dawn may not be visible, the sun still rises. But if your goal is to see the sun rise every day in January, and you’re in the Arctic Circle, you’re in the wrong place. And so it is with good men.
If you want to meet a good man, you have to be in places where good men may be. And if you want a good man to pursue you, you have to be available for a good man to find you. In practical terms, this means you have to spend time in places where good men are more likely to be. You need to be socializing, to some degree, with people who are good men or who know good men (after all, who doesn’t love a good set up - the guy is already vetted by the trusted friend/relative/community member who sets you up). Of course, you still have to put yourself out there a bit and have a little patience, too - good men don’t just appear on your doorstep in a giant Amazon box - but there is a lot you can do to put the odds in your favor. Let’s talk specifics about what this looks like in action.
Physical proximity
If you attend an all-girls college, are a missionary in the jungle, or live in a very isolated, rural area with a small population, your odds of meeting any eligible men are statistically slim. And the chance that the few men you might meet are good men, who are eligible, who you would be interested in? Even slimmer odds. If you live in an isolated place, can you change that a few times a year by taking trips to visit friends who live in more populated places? (With any luck, your friends might know some great guys you could be introduced to.) Whether or not you can change your current circumstances that are physically limiting your dating options, you always have more options, like changing up some social factors...
Social proximity
If you don’t personally know a lot of good men, are you in social situations that allow you to meet them? For example, do you attend a church where you could get involved and potentially meet men who share your fundamental values? Are you involved in recreational sports or community arts programs or interest groups where you have the opportunity to meet men who share some of your key interests? Do you have friends who know good men that you could meet, whether by being set up on a date or more casually by inviting both of you to a group event? If the answer is no to all of the above, can you get involved in extracurricular activities or community groups where you might meet more men? You are likely to meet more men if you join a church, a Bible study, a charitable or philanthropic organization, or interest-based club. The more you expand your social circle, the more likely you are to meet a good man or be introduced to him by other people you’ve met.
Digital proximity
Of course, you know I have to ask - are you on dating apps? If you are having trouble meeting men due to geography or limited social opportunities, dating apps, used wisely, can be a wonderful tool. Of course, I’m also a huge proponent of dating apps (wisely used) whether or not you are limited in your physical or social proximity to eligible men, but when your options are limited by proximity. Read more about why I recommend using apps, and how to be successful on dating apps.
Mental preparation
Time for a dose of tough love. If you’re not ready to meet someone and ready to take a chance, you’re not going to meet a good man. It’s the equivalent of a good man standing on your doorstep but you being too shy, afraid, or filled with self-doubt to open the door and say hello. If you find that shyness or lack of confidence prevents you from engaging in conversation with men you’d like to potentially date, that’s going to be a sticking point no matter how many good men you meet. Additionally, if you have allowed yourself to get stuck in a bitter and jaded mindset, and you are letting negative thoughts rule your mind, you may as well put on an eye mask because you are essentially blinding yourself to possibilities (and eligible men!) that may come across your path. Your own pessimism will keep you from seeing opportunities when they arise and discourage you from taking action (for example, flirting with a cute guy at a wedding). Not only that, but negativity sends a message to those around us, even if we don’t realize it, and when we let ourselves be ruled by negativity, we become very unapproachable - probably not what you want if you are hoping to meet someone! So if you’re constantly telling yourself or your friends, “Every good man I meet is married or has a girlfriend. Guess I’ll just start collecting cats since all the good ones are taken!” or any other pessimistic messages, it’s time for a mental refresh. Check out my article on dating goals to learn more about how to take ownership of what you want out of dating and avoid becoming the barrier in your own dating life.
The takeaways
If meeting the right guy and getting married is something you truly want, it may be time to take stock of whether your current circumstances, lifestyle, mindset, and habits support that goal. If your current circumstances or attitude is making it difficult, if not impossible, to meet good men, is there something that needs to change? Are you willing to change that? And if not, are you willing to forgo a romantic relationship?
You almost certainly don’t need to completely uproot your life and alter every aspect of your lifestyle in order to meet a good man. But if you aren’t meeting good men right now, then it’s a sign that something - no matter how small - likely needs to change. Are you willing to step outside your comfort zone in order to make a change?
Good change never comes without discomfort, but the reward far outweighs the discomfort in the end. Would meeting a good man be worth the cost of discomfort and change?
That choice is up to you.
I’ll leave you with a final piece of good news: A good woman makes a good man even better, and vice versa. Iron sharpens iron. If you want to find a good man, make sure you’re putting equal effort into assessing yourself and striving to be a good woman. You don’t need to be perfect, just as you wouldn’t expect any man to be perfect, but you should be striving to live with integrity, conduct yourself honorably, and be the best version of yourself. (In short, be the kind of woman that the man you’re hoping for would be looking to find.) So when you do find each other, continue to encourage each other. Iron sharpens iron, and a good man and a good woman are better, together.
