Dealing with Dating Anxiety
Anxiety is something that everyone experiences once in a while. Everyone has their own triggers for anxiety, things that spark those anxious feelings and then fan the flames. Some people are prone to feeling anxious more frequently, or they feel that anxiety much more severely. But one part of life that causes anxiety to flare up for most people is dating.
The world of dating and relationships can be anxiety producing even for the most confident individuals. This is because dating requires vulnerability. In dating, you open yourself up to be evaluated by others, and with that comes the risk of rejection. Not only is rejection unpleasant in and of itself, but in the context of dating, rejection can feel intensely personal and extra painful. It’s normal to want to avoid the sting of rejection, and our brains are designed to help us avoid painful experiences - both the physically painful as well as the emotionally painful. In fact, if you never feel any anxiety or nervousness at all when dating someone new, it is likely an indication that you don’t care at all about the person you are dating, or that you have given up hope and are detached and uninvested in dating altogether.
Therefore, whether or not you feel anxious in dating is not a helpful question to ask. The real questions to ask are: How severe is your anxiety? How long does this anxiety last? What is your response to the anxiety? When your dating-related anxiety is extreme in any of these domains, that is a clear sign that dating anxiety is a problem worth addressing. When dating anxiety reaches a problematic level, it can have many negative effects on your dating life. The good news is that there are some terrific strategies you can apply to help reduce your dating anxiety and build your confidence. But first, let’s talk about what can go wrong if you don’t address the problem and let your dating anxiety take the lead.
Dating anxiety can destroy your dating life…
Avoidance is the most common way of coping with anxiety. It makes sense, because our brains are designed to protect us from danger - real or imagined, physical or emotional - and one of the best ways to escape danger is by avoiding it in the first place. That’s why when someone spots a rattlesnake on the hiking trail, they will avoid it. In a situation like that, avoidance is not only natural but helpful. But while avoidance is a natural response to fear and anxiety, it is not always the most helpful. In other circumstances, such as dating, where the danger (real or perceived) is emotional and there is no actual threat to safety, your brain can still ring the alarm with as much anxiety as if you were in actual physical danger, and your instinct would naturally be to avoid. Of course, most people don’t go sprinting away from their dates because of anxiety, but this avoidance shows up in other ways.
Often people who are anxious about dating will find themselves almost exclusively dating people in whom they have little romantic interest. In other words, these are “low stakes” dates, because they are not dating people that they care about or are very interested in. Other times, people will sabotage dates or relationships out of anxiety, often unknowingly. This can look like showing up late, being rude/callous, putting little to no effort into your appearance or manners, etc. On the other hand, some people avoid the specific elements of dating that cause them anxiety - emotional intimacy, showing their true self (being vulnerable), commitment, etc. In some cases, anxious daters will avoid the relationship altogether by turning down dates, canceling date plans last minute, or ending a healthy relationship to avoid it becoming more serious.
Dating anxiety can also cause people to avoid speaking up for themselves, which leads to accepting inappropriate behavior and settling for bad relationships. Sometimes the fear of rejection or upsetting a date can be so anxiety-producing that a person will avoid speaking up about a date’s bad behavior, or even continue in a relationship that is clearly unhealthy. By ignoring their own standards and relationship needs, and keeping their concerns to themselves, anxious daters avoid the scary potential of rejection (upsetting a date and risking them ending the date/relationship) or loneliness (ending a relationship and being single).
Over time, these unhealthy coping mechanisms for dating anxiety become patterns, and those patterns eventually become second nature. At that point, anxiety is firmly entrenched as the primary force driving your dating decisions and romantic relationships. Not a good situation for one’s mental health, and certainly not an effective way to find and develop a healthy, loving, and lasting relationship!
But dating anxiety can be defeated…
However, there is good news - even severe dating anxiety can be improved and better managed. The first step is to know what your dealbreakers and “deal makers” are - what is important to you? What are your core values? What can you not tolerate in a relationship (dealbreakers), and what do you absolutely need in a potential partner (deal makers)? It is important to give significant time and attention to this topic before you are on a date, so that you have a solid sense of what you are looking for on a date. Once you are grounded in this way, you will be able to assess your compatibility with someone based on the things that are truly important, rather than letting your anxiety distort your perception of your date or your judgment of the situation.
On a practical note, selecting the timing or location of a date (when possible) can reduce dating anxiety, because you can opt to set your date in a scenario that makes you feel more comfortable and relaxed. For example, if even the thought of a dinner date is anxiety producing, maybe a coffee date during the afternoon would be better. Often people with dating anxiety find that dates involving an activity - bowling, walking through a museum, sporting events, etc. - help to put them at ease. The activity gives them something other than their own anxiety to focus on and provides a welcome distraction. Obviously it is much easier to select the time and location for a date when you are the one initiating the date. If you being asked on a date by someone else, it can be a little more difficult to change the plans, but not impossible by any means. Say you are asked on a dinner date by someone that you are interested in, but dinner dates produce overwhelming anxiety for you. You can thank them for the invitation, tell them you’d love to spend time together, and suggest meeting for coffee instead (or a movie, bowling, or whatever sounds more comfortable to you). Some people even find that group scenarios are helpful for reducing anxiety, and inviting a date to join you and your friends for an activity or a casual get-together can be a great way to reduce some of that dating anxiety.
Another helpful strategy for reducing anxiety is rehearsal. One of the most potent antidotes to anxiety is familiarity. If engaging in conversation on a date is anxiety-producing for you, then rehearsing is a great way to familiarize yourself with conversational skills and reduce that anxiety. Think of topics that you would potentially like to talk about on a date, and practice bringing up and talking about those topics - you can start practicing just by talking out loud to yourself, and work your way up to practicing with your friends, family members, coworkers, or anyone else you meet.
Of course, rehearsal on its own can minimize anxiety, but you are likely to still feel flutters of nervousness before a date (or even when setting up a date). Diaphragmatic breathing is a great skill to learn, and when done properly, has immediate effects for most people. (This article talks more about diaphragmatic breathing and how to do it.) Essentially, diaphragmatic breathing works by stimulating the vagus nerve, which activates the parasympathetic nervous system of the body. The body’s autonomic nervous system is the part of the nervous system that controls involuntary actions, like your heartbeat, and it is made up of two parts – sympathetic and parasympathetic. In states of stress or fear, the sympathetic nervous system is activated, while the parasympathetic nervous system is active during states of calm, rest, and peacefulness. Anxiety triggers the sympathetic nervous system to be activated (stressful state), but using diaphragmatic breathing - as well as other coping skills such as meditation, visualization, and so forth - can help you to switch your body over to the parasympathetic nervous system (peaceful state) instead. Any coping skills that help you to reduce your overall anxiety will help to reduce your dating anxiety as well. Not only that, when your overall level of stress and anxiety is lowered, then dating anxiety will be much less distressing to you when you do experience it.
It is important to note that sometimes dating anxiety signifies something more serious is going on. Some people who struggle with anxiety disorders or depressive disorders have symptoms that spill over into many areas of their lives, including dating. This means that dating anxiety can be a very frustrating symptom, but it is not the main problem at hand. If you suspect that might be the case, it is important to address the deeper underlying issues first. Other times, someone may not have a more serious mental health concern, but they still have underlying beliefs that have contributed to their anxiety. These underlying beliefs are often what the field of psychology calls “cognitive distortions,” or false beliefs about oneself, others, or the world around them. These cognitive distortions include beliefs like ‘I’m not lovable” or “Everybody leaves eventually, no one will want to stay with me.” Beliefs like this can be very damaging, and even more so because someone who holds such a belief sees it as true and factual, without realizing how irrational and incorrect that belief is. When someone has beliefs like this, anxiety around dating and relationships is inevitable. In those cases, the coping strategies we’ve discussed above can be helpful, but lasting improvement will only come once those cognitive distortions have been identified and replaced with truthful, realistic beliefs about oneself, others, and the world around them. (This work is often more effective with the help of a mental health professional, or a trustworthy person who can provide a rational outside perspective, such as a clergyman, chaplain, etc.)
In the end, overcoming anxiety is about acting the way that you want to feel. Emotions and behavior both influence one another, but behavior (action) has a more potent effect. This means that the most effective way to change your emotions is to change your behavior. When it comes to dating anxiety, if you want to feel less anxious and more confident, you will need to act confidently even though you do not yet feel that confidence. Some people hear this and think, “How disingenuous! That sounds like you are suggesting I should be fake.” That’s not the case at all. This is simply letting your better nature take the lead, similarly to how all civilized people do in their everyday life. For example, you might choose to exercise decorum at your workplace even when you are frustrated by a colleague whose poor performance holds back the whole team. In such an instance, your base instinct may be to yell at that frustrating colleague, but as a professional, you would know how unproductive (and unprofessional) that would be, and you let your better nature take the lead and solve the problem with discretion and decorum – and without yelling. It is the same way with overcoming anxiety. While it may feel artificial to act confidently when you feel anxious and insecure, it is not artificial at all. Your emotions do not determine who you are, and by choosing to behave the way you want to be - even though your emotions still need to catch up (and they will!) - you are training yourself to become a better version of yourself.
Of course, acting the way that you want to feel is simple, but it is not always easy. It can be quite uncomfortable to act confidently when you feel anxious, and while that discomfort dissipates gradually, it does take time. The best approach is to not avoid the discomfort but rather to embrace it as a short-term investment for long-term gain. Just as financial investment requires consistent short-term sacrifices (investing part of each paycheck) that later pay dividends, changing the way you approach dating and relationships requires you to consistently invest your energy and effort. By making these changes discussed in this article, you are investing in your future relationships, and before long, you will start to see tremendous payoff in your dating life.
Anxiety may seem like it is dominating your dating life right now, but it does not have to stay that way. By using the strategies discussed above, you can overcome your dating anxiety, actually enjoy the dating process, and develop the kind of lasting and fulfilling romantic relationship that you have wanted all along.
Want to learn more about dating anxiety and how to overcome it?
Watch this livestream presentation that I did with Dr. Forrest Talley for The Minds Journal. We talked all about anxiety in dating and how to overcome it, and answer a few listener questions at the end:
Listen to this episode of the Quit Kissing Frogs podcast - I talk all about insecurity in dating, which often goes hand in hand with dating anxiety:
