3 Tips for Dating in the Digital Era
In today’s world, most of us are living a good portion of our days in the digital realm. The lightning-speed advancement of technology has led to us lead increasingly internet-centered lives. Gone is the world of Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail, where email was a romantic novelty that left a girl giddily waiting for the dial-up connection as she checked her email inbox each day. These days, we have smartphones and WiFi and Apple Watches – there’s no need to wait for a dial-up connection, or even to wait at all, because the notifications will come to us. We are interrupted all day long by various friends, acquaintances, and strangers invading our pockets with texts, emails, tweets, direct messages, likes, facetime calls, telemarketing calls, and promotional offers. Of course, if you’re in a romantic digital “flirtationship” a la Meg Ryan, you may sometimes be overwhelmed by the days-long silence of a phone that is not ringing, a text that has not yet seen a response, or an email that never arrives at your inbox.
#1 – Don’t Be Afraid of the Apps
Dating apps can get a bad rap, and understandably so. A lot of people struggle with using the apps, and I experienced that struggle myself. However, a lot of people struggle with math, too, and that doesn’t mean we should give up on your financial goals. While stashing away cash in coffee cans may have worked during the Great Depression, that’s not going to cut it in today’s economy. Dating apps are the same way.
The apps are here to stay. You don’t have to love them, you don’t have to use them (although I would strongly recommend that you do!), but we do all have to admit that we live in the age of the apps. While it’s possible to meet people without using a dating app, the apps make it a lot easier. And this is where it becomes so important to understand your goals – what do you want out of dating, and what do you want from the apps? Believe it or not, your goals for dating and your goals for using dating apps should be different. (For more on dating goals, and why you should have them, read here.)
For example, many women may say that their goal in dating is to find a man she enjoys spending time with, who shares her values, and with whom she would be interested in having a serious relationship. That’s a great goal for dating, but for dating apps, you want a different goal. After all, dating isn’t the first step in a relationship, it’s more like the third step. The first step is connecting with someone, whether you meet in line at a coffee shop or match with him on a dating app – you’re giving yourselves a chance to interact (and see if there is any romantic spark). The next step is talking – for someone you met in person, it usually means you’ve interacted enough that you both can sense that the other is interested, and he’s asked for your phone number. On the app, this looks like chatting on the app for a bit to get a sense of the other person’s personality and whether they seem interesting or fun enough to go out with on a date. But again, this is only step two - you won’t know from talking to someone on a dating app whether or not you would be interested in a serious relationship with them. You may feel very attracted to someone based on their pictures and excited by your conversation with him on an app, but there’s a lot that you would still need to learn from spending time with him in person – that’s what you do by dating!
Although dating apps don’t take the place of dating, when used well, they do offer a great advantage for people who are dating. After all, to go on a date, you have to meet someone. That’s where dating apps are your best friend, because apps allow you to connect with far more people that you probably would in your everyday life. Think of how often you meet a new guy in your everyday life – for most single women, it’s probably not as often as you’d like! And when you do happen to meet a man you find attractive, how often does that interaction include enough conversation to stir up a romantic spark, and how often does he end up asking for your number to keep the conversation going? Again, probably not as often as you’d like!
And that, ladies, is where the apps can be the great equalizer. If you want to go on more dates, you should be using a dating app (or even a couple of apps). You’re not going to find a boyfriend just by using an app, but you will be able to meet guys, talk to them (and determine if you are interested enough to go on a date with them), and then get off the app by going on dates.
That’s right – your goal on dating apps is to launch the conversations that go beyond the apps.
#2 Use tech as a tool – it should help you get to the IRL meetups, not be an end in and of itself
Dating apps are not an end in and of themselves. A lot of women get frustrated with dating apps because they feel trapped in conversations with matches from the apps that never turn into real-life dates. This is understandably exasperating and can make it feel like dating apps are a digital graveyard where romance goes to do…which, admittedly, they can be – but only if you let them! You want to use dating apps as a launchpad for actual dating, so that what starts as a connection on an app eventually becomes a real-life connection (that’s right, a date!) that either sparks even more interest and romantic connection, or fizzles out and you to move on to explore other matches.
When you use a dating app, you’re not at the mercy of the app nor are you at the mercy of the guys you match with. It’s wise to be realistic, and the reality is that there are plenty of guys out there – on dating apps and in real life – who are not a good match for you (opposing values, personality clash, etc.) and/or who are looking for very different things than you are (i.e. casual sex vs. dating). This is why it’s important to know what you are looking for, and to approach dating apps with a specific goal – you’re not just looking for any connections, you’re looking for connections with the kinds of men you’re interested in dating. You should be intentional and judicious about how you use the app, the matches you continue conversation with, and expectations you have of the connections you make on a dating app.
In practical terms, this means using the “unmatch” feature somewhat liberally. You want to be optimistic in dating, but you want to be both optimistic and wise. Thinking a guy on Tinder asking you for nudes and making salacious remarks about your appearance is interested in a serious relationship is not optimism – that’s profound naivete at best, and foolish delusion at worst. Of course, the red flags and dealbreakers are not always that immediate or obvious (after all, even if it’s exactly what they want, very few men will write “I’m just looking for casual sex with someone who won’t expect me to call them afterward” in their dating app profile). Men with unsavory attentions may not reveal those right off the bat, but the signs will usually start to show up after a couple days of conversation on a dating app, although sometimes it even takes a first or second date to see past someone’s good looks, charm, and skillful social finesse to realize that they are not someone you want to date. This is why, once again, you need to know what you want out of dating apps and dating, and deliberately set boundaries that align with that.
Thankfully, dating apps are like any other technology in the sense that practice builds proficiency. As you use dating apps and go on more dates, you get more efficient at weeding out the people who are not good matches for you – whether it means swiping left to avoid matching, ending the conversation (or unmatching/blocking them) when it becomes clear that there are dealbreakers on either side, or declining a second date if you realize after the first date that you’re not interested.
It’s worth remember that for as much as being on the apps will mean inevitably encountering men you’re not interested in dating, there are also there are plenty of good men out there using the same dating apps. Unless you’re already meeting lots of good matches in real life, you don’t want to discount the apps altogether and miss the chance to connect with guys on the apps who are looking for the same things you are.
#3 First impressions count, so ace your profile (what it is and is not for, etc)
Dating apps are a great tool to use, provided you use it wisely. Prudent use of dating apps of course includes being discerning about who you let into your phone – who you match with, and who you choose to continue talking to and the guys you let take you out on dates. It also means being wise about what you put on the app. You don’t want to invest the effort into using an app, however casually, only to have a profile doesn’t really show guys what a great catch you are!
Making a high-quality dating app profile deserves it’s own full tutorial (coming soon!), but a great place to start is making sure you’ve got the basics down.
Let’s get the obvious out of the way – most dating apps are a largely visual platform, and you need good pictures. You don’t need to be a model or the prettiest girl in the room (or on the app), you just need to have nice quality photos that capture your natural beauty and showcase you well. Some things to avoid right off the bat include:
· photoshop/filters (trust me, even if you think it’s subtle, it’s not)
· awkward angles or poses (the shot-from-above photo that is meant to be slimming and/or cleavage-emphasizing isn’t fooling anyone)
· bikini photos and sports-bra photos (fair or not, it sends a message that your body and sexual appeal is one of the best things you have to offer)
· photos of yourself with any guy who is not very obviously related to you (and if it’s not your father or grandfather, it’s worth thinking twice about using that photo)
· photos from a time when you looked significantly different (younger, slimmer'/heavier, hair much longer/shorter, etc. - you have to be really honest with yourself here)
Needless to say, this is not the time to rely on selfies. You want photos that are good quality, have a little variety, and showcase you having fun. Enlist a trusted friend to take some flattering photos of you (a good phone camera is fine) in good lighting. It doesn’t need to be a professional photoshoot where you are dolled up in full glam, and you definitely don’t want to edit or photoshop anything beyond correcting some lighting or cropping out a stranger who made an accidental photobomb. You don’t want to look one way in your dating app profile, and then look like a completely different person when you meet up with a guy in real life. A good level of “glam” to aim for in your dating app photos is the kind of look you would wear on a first date. Another good strategy is to start making a point of taking more photos with your friends when you are out having fun. You want most of your profile photos to be only you, but a few group photos can be a nice way to show you having fun and enjoying your unique interests – live music, outdoor activities, the local rodeo, a day on the boat, whatever it may be.
Overall, the rule of thumb to follow is that a dating app profile that exudes happiness and positivity, in both your photos and your bio info, is very attractive.
Bonus #4: Be safe
It’s a crazy world out there. It pays to assume that your information is less secure that you think it is, no matter how careful you may be. It’s always important to take digital safety seriously, especially when you are meeting new people on dating apps, and hopefully on dates as well. I would suggest the following as a bare minimum precaution:
· Never share your full name, location (home or work address), or place of employment on a dating app profile. I would suggest not sharing your last name or your specific employer until you’ve met with someone in person at least once.
· Never share your social media handle on a dating app, even if it is private. This goes double if you are sharing specific, personally identifiable information on social media, such as your full name, name of employer, tagged locations for places like work, the gym, restaurants/bars/coffeeshops you frequent, etc. (hopefully you’re not doing this, because that presents its own safety risk outside of dating apps).
· Never use photos of children on your dating app profile. Doesn’t matter whether they are your own children or those of your siblings/friends. If you have a great photo of yourself that you’d love to put on your profile, but there’s a child in the photo with you, crop them out or at the very least block out their face with an editing tool/emoji/etc.
· Always tell a trusted friend or family member when you plan meet up with someone you met on a dating app, where you’re going, when they can expect you to check in to let them know you got home safely, and share a screenshot of your match’s profile (or any important contact info).
· Always choose a public location in an area you’re at least somewhat familiar with for first dates with someone you met on a dating app. Any guy that wants to take you out on a date should be receptive to you telling him you’re uncomfortable with a certain date location and would love to meet up at XYZ (more public, familiar, etc) location instead. If he insists on you coming over to his place or meeting up someone that is secluded or completely unfamiliar, that’s a blaring neon sign telling you “Danger! Don’t go!”
· Always trust your gut when it comes to safety. If a dating app match makes you feel uneasy or unsafe, block them. Report them if you have serious concerns. If you show up for a first date with someone you met on the app and something about them seems off or makes you feel uneasy, leave as quickly and safely as you can.
Dating apps (not to mention dating in general) can certainly be exhausting, but they can be a terrific tool if you have a smart strategy and approach the apps wisely. I've worked with many women who are exasperated by their experiences using dating apps, and plenty others who write off dating apps altogether. These women often feel hopeless about dating in general, including the apps as well as the men they meet (or rather, don’t meet) in person. When they change their approach to the apps and apply the strategies outlined above, it often changes their whole dating experience for the better. Keep these strategies in mind next time you open up the apps, and you’ll likely find that your conversations with men become more exciting, you meet more compatible matches, and your dating life becomes more rewarding.
