In Defense of Coffee Dates
Coffee dates can sometimes have a reputation. They seem unsexy, platonic, something you do with a friend who’s not super close with you…in other words, coffee dates are the date you go on when you don’t want to go on the date. People can interpret coffee dates as too casual or a sign of low interest.
That’s nonsense!
For all the bad rap that coffee dates can get, I’m here to set the record straight and speak out in defense of the humble coffee date. Coffee dates are wonderful for many reasons, and more people should be grabbing coffee instead of dinner or drinks.
Coffee dates can be a great choice at any point in the relationship, but they can make for especially great first dates. Getting coffee with someone is a low-investment date in terms of both time and money. While this is one reason people sometimes poo-poo the idea of a coffee date, it’s exactly what makes it such a good choice for a first date. When you’re on a first date, you’re trying to get to know someone new. You want to see if there is romantic attraction and chemistry, yes, but a big part of the dating process is learning more about who this guy is, figuring out what foundation you share (common values, interests, goals, etc), and seeing how well you enjoy spending time in his company.
You won’t learn enough on a first date to decide he’s the guy you want to marry, but there’s a decent chance you could learn enough on the first date to decide you feel no need for a second one. Frankly, sometimes you know within the first five to ten minutes of a date that there won’t be a second one. The beauty of a coffee date is that you don’t go into the date feeling obligated to sit through a whole dinner that will likely last more than an hour. A coffee shop is a casual enough setting that you can excuse yourself from the date early fairly easily and without drawing any undue attention from nosy people having dinner in the booth next to yours.
A coffee date has the potential to be a low-investment date, and that’s actually part of its appeal. It takes away any awkward sense of obligation to sit through a meal that someone invited you for, and the uncomfortable pressure to say “yes” for a second date if he’s just paid for an expensive meal. Of course, you are never obligated to go out with anyone. A man paying the bill when he takes you on a date does not mean you owe him a second date, a blowjob, or anything else. Obviously it’s unkind to let a man invest a lot of money in multiple expensive dates if you already know that you are not interested in him, but it can be hard to know how interested you are in someone without going on at least a date or two. That’s part of the dating process, and it does come with some risk – time, money, heartbreak. Coffee dates - especially for first dates - can be a great way to reduce that risk for all parties involved.
On the other hand, you may find that you and your date are so smitten with one another that you end up nursing a second or third cup of coffee just to keep the date from ending. The good news is that coffee dates are easy enough to transition into another activity that extends the date if it’s going well. (It’s a low investment initially, but you can always invest more!) A weekend morning coffee date can roll right into a late brunch or a scenic walk through a park. An afternoon coffee date might turn into happy hour appetizers and drinks at a nearby bar, or dinner at a local restaurant.
Another benefit of the coffee date is the fact that you’re both completely sober. If you’re used to drinking heavily on first dates, there are obvious reasons for giving sober dating a shot. Even when you only have a couple drinks on a first date, most of us have experienced first dates that felt pretty spectacular at the time, but the next morning you can’t for the life of you remember what was so great about that guy. There’s something about having alcoholic drinks in hand that can make a situation feel more romantic and your chemistry with someone feel stronger than they actually are. (After all, why else would people open a bottle of wine when they are having a special night at home with their spouse?) By replacing cocktails with coffee, you remove the potential for alcohol to confuse your feelings or confound your judgment. In doing so, you give yourself the gift of extra clarity when you are thinking about this new guy and deciding whether a second date is worth it. (And it very well may be - my first date with my husband was a coffee date.)
Coffee dates are great for first dates, but they’re just as valuable if you’re married or have been dating awhile. A couple lattes can break you out of the usual “date night” routine. Shake things up and go out for coffee on a Saturday morning or a Sunday afternoon! When you’re married or have been dating for years, it’s easy to fall into the habit of spending lots of time together without really connecting. A coffee date is a simple, fun, and inexpensive way to give yourselves an opportunity to enjoy talking with one another and take time to connect over some caffeine.
Coffee dates are also great for couples who are in a season of life with very little room in their schedule and/or budget - maybe one or both of you are in grad school, maybe you have young children, maybe you’re both working overtime to reach a financial goal. Those seasons with stuffed schedules and slim budgets are often stressful, and that means it’s more important than ever to prioritize your marriage. Prioritizing your marriage/relationship doesn’t have to mean extravagant dates and whole evenings spent lingering over a five-course meal. For an hour and $15, you can have a romantic time cozied up at a coffeehouse with specialty lattes and enjoying meaningful conversation and a chance to feel reconnected. (Of course, there are lots of additional ways to make dates happen when you’re on a budget - get my free PDF with 50 frugal date ideas here!)
So you see, coffee dates can give your love life a boost whether you’re single, dating, or have been married for years. If you’re in a date night rut, try a weeked-morning coffee date instead. If you’re frustrated with bad first dates that seem to drag on, time to start meeting at a coffeehouse for those first dates. But whatever you do, don’t underestimate the power of the humble coffee date.
