Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Breaking up is hard to do.
But it can also be one of the best things you do for yourself and your love life.
If you’re skeptical, that’s understandable. But keep reading…you may be surprised.
Just about all of us will experience a breakup at some point during dating. The exception, of course, being the very rare folks who end up marrying the very first person they date (usually high school sweethearts or people who started dating later in life and hit the jackpot on their very first date). But those exceptions are incredibly rare, and for everyone else, breakups are a fact of life.
Not only are breakups a reality of dating, they are also necessary, and often a breakup is a very good thing - although it does not often feel good in the moment. If a couple is not the right match for each other, then the longer the relationship lasts, the longer they are both keps from meeting someone who is the right match for them. Breaking up with the wrong person frees you to meet the right person.
However, many women find that they struggle with breakups, or even that a particularly difficult breakup (or several) ruined their dating life. While we often think of difficult breakups as those where we are not the ones wanting or initiating the breakup…in other words, it seems more painful when you’re the one being “dumped.” In reality, being the one to initiate the breakup is not necessarily an easy or pain-free experience either. While breakups are often necessary and good, they can be very difficult no matter if you’re the one initiating or the receiving end.
Each experience - being broken up with, or being the one to break up with someone else - has its own unique challenges and emotional pain, as well as some shared difficulties. The difficulty and discomfort that comes with initiating a breakup is often overlooked, and this is what will be discussed here.
So how can we make breakups better?
It starts by understanding why you’re ending the relationship. Often women struggle with initiating breakups because they feel that they need to find a “good” or legitimate reason to end the relationship. There are lots of very valid reasons to end a dating relationship, starting with this:
You don’t want to be in the relationship.
Now, there are likely many reasons why you don’t want to be in the relationship, and it can be helpful to have clarity about what those reasons are and how to articulate them, but it’s important that you don’t feel like you have to convince someone you’re dating to agree to the breakup. After all, you’re not married and this isn’t a divorce - you’re dating, and either of you is free to choose to stop dating each other whenever you want. You can end the relationship and walk away without his approval or agreement. That knowledge should be empowering when you are preparing to break up with someone!
In addition to simply not wanting to be in the relationship, there are many other good reasons to end a relationship. In these situations, it’s usually not only a good reason to break up, but breaking up is the best thing to do:
Deal-breakers are revealed (not sure what your deal-breakers are? Check out this podcast or this blog post for more about setting your “goal posts” and determining what your deal-breakers are - as well as your deal-makers!)
Cheating or other dishonesty/betrayal
Pattern of manipulation, jealousy, or excessive anger/outbursts
Substance abuse
Incompatible core values (religion, heavy political issues, etc.)
Incompatible future plans (one partner is moving to a new state and the other partner refuses)
Incompatible desires for marriage and/or children (one partner wants to have children, the other does not, etc.)
Incompatible lifestyles and lack of desire to reconcile those differences (for example, one partner owns land and plans to build a homestead, the other partner is set on living in a big city)
Sometimes, it can be tricky to determine whether a breakup is the right thing to do.
After all, all couples have challenges or go through “rough patches” at some point or another, right? It’s good to be sure about your reasons for ending the relationship, and if you’re already sure, it’s helpful to have a s much clarity as possible. This helps to solidify your decision and build conviction that will help you to overcome the challenges of initiating a breakup.
These are some questions that can help you get clarity if you are thinking of breaking up with someone, or solidify your decision if you already know you need to break up:
Is the issue a deal-breaker for me? (If you’re not sure, check out this podcast and this this blog post for discussions on deal-breakers and how to determine what is a deal breaker vs
Have we truly tried to talk about/work through conflicts in a constructive way? And is he even willing to do that? (If your relationship issues are not deal-breakers and you haven’t tried talking about them, it’s worth having that conversation and seeing if you can resolve the issue. If it can’t be resolved, or if he’s not even willing to talk about it and try to work through it with you, that’s a good indication to break up.)
If this issue never changes, would I be able to be happy being with him for the rest of my life?
Do we have the same foundational values, or are we fundamentally opposed?
Can I truly trust him?
What would I tell my best friend if she were in this situation?
A year from now, would I want to still be in the relationship if it continues the way it’s been going? What about five years from now? Ten years?
Do I think that this relationship is the “best I can do?” Am I staying with him because I want to be with him specifically, or because I don’t think I could find anyone else who would love me, accept me, or want to be with me? (Insecurity and fear of being alone keeps many women in unhealthy relationships - don’t let this happen to you!)
When you think through these questions, be sure to take your time to be honest with yourself and really reflect on your relationship as it is, and what you want in the future - whether in this relationship or with someone else. It can help to talk to trusted friends/family for input, but remember the decision is one that you have to make and you have to live with.
Once you know that you need to break up, how do you actually go about ending the relationship? And how can you minimize the pain - for everyone involved - in the breakup process?
Deciding to end the relationship is one thing. Acting on that decision is another thing.
Being convicted about your reason(s) for ending the relationship is not the same as actually ending the relationship. This is a sticking point in many instances - women know that they want to end their relationship, but they hesitate to do so for any number of reasons. Perhaps they are worried about hurting their boyfriend’s feelings, or perhaps they are unsure of how to initiate the breakup and feel too intimidated to start that conversation.
These are some common reasons why women put off breaking up, even when they want to end the relationship - do you relate to any of these?
Not wanting to hurt your boyfriend
Not wanting to upset your boyfriend or disappoint him
Being nervous about how uncomfortable the conversation will be
Being worried about what friends and family will think (his or yours)
Logistical worries (such as if you work together, or you have nonrefundable vacations planned together, or you even live together)
Feeling guilty for not “making it work”
Feeling guilty for staying in the relationship as long as you did, and wanting to stay longer to justify the time already spent (the relationship version of the sunk-cost fallacy)
Breakups bring up a lot of emotions, and can be complicated. But just because breaking up is difficult doesn’t mean that you should continue the relationship to avoid difficulty or awkwardness. That only delays the inevitable and holds you back from meeting the man who is the right match for you.
It’s also important to remember that dating isn’t the same as being married. Even a very committed dating relationship is still different than a marriage. This is easy to forget because modern culture tends to conflate dating and marriage, and the line between the two gets muddied. More and more, dating couples live together before marriage (1), and overall behave and live as married couples did in previous generations (having children, making major purchases like homes, etc.). Additionally, fewer and fewer couples are getting married, and among those who do, the divorce rate is steady and climbing. (2)
The end result, on a society-wide level, is that marriage becomes devalued while dating becomes over-valued, and it’s easy to be convinced that dating deserves a level of commitment and gravity that should be reserved for marriage. (After all, many dating couples are doing things previously reserved only for marriage.)
Despite these social trends, the reality is that dating is different than marriage. This is true even if you are in a serious relationship and even living together!(3) So while in a serious relationship, you may both be committed to the relationship, that commitment is not the same as a marriage, and you do not have the same obligation to try to make the relationship work. This is why it’s important to be sure about the man you choose to marry - because marriage is so different than dating, and the commitment is deeper and intended to carry you through the rest of your lives.
So even if you are in a serious relationship, even living together, do not let your commitment to that relationship blind you to problems in the relationship or prevent you from breaking up when that is what’s called for. There may be some added logistical difficulties, not to mention deeper emotional pain, when the relationship has been so serious, but none of those outweigh the benefits of breaking up when it is the right thing to do.
Having the breakup conversation…
Obviously there are varying degrees of difficulty with a breakup. Depending on how serious your relationship is and how interwoven your lives have become, there may be logistical details that take some time to sort out. But every breakup will start with a conversation. Sometimes that conversation comes up in the heat of the moment when you’re already in a conflict or arguing about something else. The majority of the time, though, if you are initiating a breakup, you will have to intentionally bring up the conversation. It can feel intimidating, but at some point, you have to “rip off the bandaid” and make it happen. These suggestions can help you plan out your conversation and make things go more smoothly.
What is the context of the relationship and the reason for the breakup? Was there a grievous offense committed (like cheating), or are you ending the relationship because of incompatibility? Was the relationship fraught with conflict and manipulation, or was it a good relationship between people who simply aren’t the right match for each other? If there was betrayal or a pattern of malicious behavior, the breakup needs to be firm and direct, and you need not worry about expressing appreciation for the relationship. If it was a good relationship (just not the right one for you) and you care for him even though you’ve decided to end things, then it’s good to aim for a breakup conversation that demonstrates respect for the relationship and for the man with whom you built it.
How long have you been dating? The more serious the relationship, the more serious the conversation likely needs to be. If you’ve been on a few dates and have decided you don’t want to continue dating, it’s fine to break up over a phone call. (Some people wouldn’t even consider it a “breakup” at that point, because the relationship is in such an early stage.) On the other hand, if you’ve been dating for a year, that deserves a conversation in person, and it may be a long conversation.
How will you have this conversation? Do you have to break up in person? Can you break up by text? What about phone? It is easier to feel emboldened when we don’t have to look someone directly in the face, right? But a breakup is not the time to resort to texting. The setting of your breakup depends on the context of your relationship. If you’ve only been dating a couple weeks, then a phone call may be totally appropriate for a breakup conversation, because it would probably be more insulting to him if you were to ask him to meet up (making him think you want to see him again) only to tell him you don’t want to see each other anymore. If you’ve been dating for several months, then an in-person conversation seems warranted. Obviously, if you live quite a ways from each other or are in a long-distance relationship, then you want to factor in the time and effort it would take for an in-person breakup. For example, if he lives an hour away and you’ve been dating only a month or two, it might be kinder to spare him the two-hour round trip by choosing to break up with him over the phone. In general, the text breakup is almost always unkind unless you have only been on a couple of dates.
How will you time this? There will never a perfect time. If you wait for the “right moment” to come along, you may never break up with him. You’ll have to create the right time for a breakup conversation. In some cases, breaking up on the spot is most effective - especially if you know you are apt to otherwise lose your courage and avoid the breakup conversation. If you are able to plan it better, it is a good idea to choose a quiet setting to talk, in person, when you have plenty of time and neither of you will be distracted or have to rush off to work or an event in the next 30 min.
What setting will you choose? Assuming this breakup conversation is happening in person - in a place that is somewhat discreet. After all, this conversation is likely to be painful for him, and difficult for you as well, so you might not want a crowded restaurant as your audience - a quiet cafe may be a better option. (However, if you have any worries about how he will react, that all goes out the window - make sure there are people around. If you are concerned that your boyfriend may become so angry that he potentially becomes aggressive or destructive, that is a clear sign that you should get out of the relationship. Please check out the resources below if you need help leaving an abusive relationship.) As always, be safe!
What will you say? You want to be clear about the fact that you are breaking up - you’re not negotiating or trying to solve a problem. You’ve identified the problem, which is that the relationship is not the right match for you. And you’ve identified the solution, which is to end the relationship. Now, you are executing that solution by breaking up, which will free up both of you to find the person who is the right match for you. Try to stay calm and lead with reason, rather than emotion, even if it is a very heated situation. In an ideal world, you would be able to express any appreciation or well-wishes you have for him/the relationship, in addition to telling him that you are ending the relationship.
Even when you are convinced that breaking up is the right choice and you are prepared to end the relationship, there can be questions and uncertainties about the breakup process. Here are some of the most common conundrums women are bothered by when they are initiating a breakup, and some suggestions for how to address these situations:
His birthday/graduation/family vacay/etc. is next month. Should I wait until after that to break up with him? If you’re concerned about breaking up before a birthday, holiday, big milestone, etc. remember that the longer you are together and the more events you celebrate together, the more intimate your relationship feels and the more difficult it will be to break up (and the more painful it will feel for him when you break up with him). It’s worth weighing the options of breaking up before or after the event/milestone in question. Which would likely feel more painful for him? If there’s a clear difference, then it makes sense to go with the less hurtful option. If both options seem likely to cause about the same amount of emotional pain, then I would suggest breaking up sooner rather than later. The longer you wait to “rip off the band aid” the less likely you are to actually do it, and the more likely you are to delay the inevitable.
What if he doesn’t understand and wants to stay together? Remember that if he wants to continue the relationship, no amount of explanation will make him happy about the breakup. You can give an explanation, but most of the time that won’t make him agree with you about the breakup. It can be helpful to offer some empathy while staying firm. For example, you might say, “I know you don’t agree with my reasoning and I don’t expect you to agree with me right now. Ending things between us is painful for me too, and I don’t like knowing that it’s hurting you. I’ve appreciated the relationship we had and the memories we made. But the two of us are not going to work in the long run, and my mind is made up. I hope you can understand that.” However, no matter how much empathy you offer or how diplomatic you are, there’s no guarantee that he will come to understand your point of view. Eventually you will need to end the conversation.
Don’t expect it to end on a happy note. Coming away from a breakup with both of you feeling happy is an unrealistic expectation. Sure, it happens sometimes, but that should be a happy surprise, not an expectation or a goal. Remember, you’re ending a relationship - maybe a serious one - that likely had deep meaning and emotion for both of you. By breaking up, especially when it is not mutual, you are agreeing to disagree about the future of that relationship. It’s good to aim to walk away from one another on a pleasant note (no yelling or anger), and in many cases you can expect things to be cordial. Most breakups that are for reasons of incompatibility have potential to be downright amicable. You want to be polite and kind, but if you want to wait until you are both in agreement and happy about it, you may be waiting forever.
Breakups are rarely, if ever, easy and painless. Even the most amicable of breakups have some element of discomfort involved. Hopefully this guide to breakups will help you in the process, from evaluating your relationship to determine if you need to break up to actually having the breakup conversation and walking away from the relationship. Ending the wrong relationship frees you up and prepares you for the right relationship. If you can break up in a healthy and productive way, then you’ve not only freed yourself to meet the right person, you’ve overcome a challenge and gained experience that further prepares you to be the best version of yourself when you do find the person who is the right match for you. As difficult as it can be, breaking up for the right reasons is one of the best things you can do for your love life.
